ISLAMABAD BLUES

Ulrich Ladurner

PAKISTAN, “NO PROBLEM”

You can be sure of this. the very first thing that you hear when you arrive in Pakistan is: “No problem!” We have landed at Islamabad Airport, and I am still engrossed in my own thoughts: “I hope this won’t be a big war.” A few minutes later, I am standing in front of several Pakistani policemen. They are wearing immaculate light blue shirts and dark trousers. Swinging from their shoulders are rifles which could be better described as second-hand pump guns. Sawn-off shooting sticks, which probably found their way here from some Western armory for good money, or perhaps they originate from Russia. Who knows for sure? In any event, rifles should look menacing, which in fact these do.

So I walk up to the policemen, all set to open my suitcases, empty my pockets, and do whatever they ask me to do. What I would have labeled as police arbitrariness earlier, appears to me today to be a fully justified security measure. Official harassment is no more harassment, but rather a totally welcome protection. This, too, is something the terrorists have achieved.

I have hardly put down my suitcases on the floor when I notice that the policemen are smiling in unison: “No problem, Sir!” I still hesitate. They repeat in a friendlier tone: “No problem! No problem!” and wave me through. Even before I have stepped out in the square, a taxi driver is jumping up and down on my feet: “Taxi? Taxi?” Since I am also looking for a hotel room, I ask the man: “Do you know a hotel in Islamabad?” He grins and says: “No problem!” In the meantime, a small group of people has surrounded us and shouts of “Taxi! Taxi” are becoming so loud that I decide to inquire no further and make my escape. Abbas is the name of the good man. He carries my luggage to the car and opens the car trunk. Inside, there is a big gas cylinder which takes up more than two-thirds of the total storage area.

“But surely, nothing will fit in here,” I say. “No problem,” answers Abbas, while he gives one of my three pieces of luggage a forceful push to make it fit in between the gas cylinder and the metal of the car.

“Please be careful!” I repeat.
“No problem,” says Abbas and pushes the bag with both hands until it finally fits in. Something must surely have been bent out of shape, but it does go in. The remaining luggage goes onto the car’s backseat, at which point I realize that the vehicle is altogether too small and Abbas has placed another suitcase there, so that mine is lying between the two and is dangerously close to the gearbox. I look somewhat nervously at the suitcase, which according to my own calculations could obstruct the fourth gear. Abbas sees this: “No problem!” And now we are on our way to the city.

The journey passes swiftly, and Abbas can in fact engage the fourth gear, with some difficulty yes, but it does work. I am sitting silently, thinking about world politics, the clash of civilizations, and about whatever else that has become the subject of conversation these days and weeks after the attacks on the United States. In the meantime, Abbas is busy dodging wobbly donkey carts, sneaky motorcycles, agile pedestrians, and trucks which are leaning dangerously on one side. Undoubtedly, he is a good driver.

“Here you’ll find a room!” I look at the façade of the Marriott Hotel emerging before my eyes.

“But it is fully booked.”

“You’ll definitely find a room here.”

“But I already phoned them.”

“No problem!”

I figure that Abbas being a native – even more, a taxi driver – surely knows more than I do and I let him drop me in front of the entrance. A man in uniform greets me with a perfect military salute. I pass through a security check. The hotel lobby is buzzing with the world media. Even before I arrive at the reception desk, I pass at least three faces which I recognize from television. As I had expected, no room is available.

“Perhaps tomorrow?”

“No problem,” says the reception clerk. I request him to put me on the waiting list and I go out to see Abbas. He shakes his head when I give him the news, thinks a moment, and then says: “I know of a better place.”

“Are you sure?”

“No problem!” And we have already sped off. I’ve completely abandoned myself to him because I can’t think clearly, perhaps due to fatigue or simply because the pictures of terror weigh me down and the news reports coming out of Pakistan are baffling, what with stories about religious fanatics, determined armed forces, hostile tribes and corrupt politicians.

After about ten minutes into our journey, Abbas abruptly applies the brakes in front of a house which lies hidden behind a high fence. It’s a guesthouse in a seemingly better neighborhood. This time Abbas accompanies me. He’s really trying very hard. Although the doorman answers in the negative, Abbas continues talking with him, totally convinced that there must be a vacant room somewhere in the guesthouse. Perhaps in the backyard? Or somewhere else in this sprawling villa? But there’s nothing. Abbas doesn’t seem to be dejected at all when we go back to our car. “I know of another place. No problem,” he says. Since he seats himself so zestfully behind the steering wheel, and leaves the guesthouse parking lot with such determination, I resolve to continue putting my trust in him, and in a way to use his energy for myself since I feel so depressed and so incapable of doing anything on my own initiative.

I’ll spare you details of what happened during the next two hours since it’s nothing but a repetition of the same thing: all kinds of guesthouses – ritzy, swanky, shabby – but no breakthrough. “No problem,” Abbas would repeat continually, even though now we were leaving – without any success – the last guesthouse known to him. Now Abbas is really at a loss. Since he doesn’t want to admit it, he stages a short sightseeing tour of Pakistan’s capital city for me. “Here on the left is the National Assembly!” A sprawling white building which lies behind a high fence. “And here is the Supreme Court!” A wide white staircase leading up to a huge entrance. “And here is the Presidency!” This building is no less imposing, erected with the intent of impressing citizenry, but it has a more playful effect, less stern than the Parliament and Supreme Court buildings. Quite a peculiar contrast since the President is a general: Pervez Musharraf, who took power in 1999, a man bursting with energy, a great leader, as many people assert. “But he doesn’t live here!” says Abbas and drives round once more so that I can have a closer look at the spectacle of these fenced-in and people-empty symbols of Pakistan.

“I’ve an idea,” Abbas says suddenly and makes a 180-degree turn. Tires squeal, my suitcase edges towards the gearshift. I startle out of a state of half-unconsciousness.

“What is it?”

“Wait, wait, No problem!”

Now Abbas starts driving out of the city. Streets are getting darker with the dusk. A neon sign: Motel. Abbas is all excited as if we were close to our destination. He himself opens the motel door for me. And when the receptionist really offers me a room, Abbas says, obviously very proud of himself: “You see, no problem!” I can only nod. I can’t share in his triumph. I’m already thinking about the next steps: unpacking suitcases, putting cash in the hotel safe and then going back to the city where I shortly have an appointment. A porter takes my luggage to the room.

“Do you have a safe?”

The receptionist looks at me, all surprised.

“Yes, it’s safe, no problem!”

“No, I mean: Do you have a safe where I can lock away my money?”

“No problem, sir. It’s safe!”

“Safe! Valuable objects! Keys! Lock away!”

“Oh, I understand,” he says. “No, we don’t have that. The hotel is safe.”

“But I have a lot of cash with me!”

“No problem,” says the receptionist.

“No problem,” says Abbas.

I give up and hand him the address where I have a meeting in a few minutes’ time. Laughing, full of confidence, and diligently, Abbas presses the accelerator. In the meantime, it has become pitch dark outside. After about a kilometer, the car starts weaving to and fro: a tire has gone flat. Only with a great deal of difficulty, Abbas manages to bring the car to a stop on the side of the road. I glance at my watch. “We should have been there by now!”

“No problem,” he says and gets out of the car, jumps over the guard rail and disappears in the trees. The taxi is standing there half on the street, without indicators or any other light signal. Trucks are rushing past, hooting, swerving at the last moment. And a pressure wave is blocking my ears. Suddenly, Abbas appears from behind the trees, climbing up the road with a lot of effort. He’s carrying a heavy, flattened stone in both his hands. He goes over to the road side where the flat tire is and places the stone under the car.

“What are you doing?” I ask him across the open window.

“Five minutes, no problem!”

I get out of the car and stand by the engine hood because I feel safer there and also because I can watch Abbas at his work. In the headlights of oncoming traffic I see how he puts a damaged car jack on the flat stone and starts lifting up the car. The car staggers dangerously. Suddenly a huge truck comes in our direction. It drones, it hisses, it whizzes. Abbas notices it at the last moment, stands up, and presses himself flush against the car. The monster misses him by a centimeter. The car jack slips from the stone with a bang. The wheel suspension snaps and falls on the asphalt. Abbas looks at all this but in the darkness I can’t make out if he’s frightened or not. He comes toward me:

“We’ll be late. I’m sorry,” he says.

“No problem,” I reply.

Later, much later, I’m lying in my bed, staring at the rotating fan. I see Abbas saying goodbye, his ample white shirt a bit smeared with grease. I see him smiling, and see how he’s steering his jolting car back on the road. I see all this and I think: so when is this war of cultures, this famous clash of civilizations really going to begin?